Teaching

I have put down my 12th graders' compare and contrast essays to indulge my jealousy of those on the various blog postings and their recent strides toward their dreams of writing for money. I too wish to write for money. It's supposedly bad to write that, I think, but let's face it - it would be much easier to justify sitting home in my office with the cat in my lap writing if I was actually getting paid to do it. At least my father-in-law would say so. As for me, my constant self guilt trip agrees. I am writing - a little. I'm mostly teaching others to write - or at least that's what I'm trying to do. However, I'm not sure I myself can write. Seems absurd, considering I've practiced it more than I've practiced anything in my life. Maybe that's why I'm so drawn to it. Maybe that's why while I'm driving, all I can think of is telling a story. Or when I hear a song I like, I only know I love it when I see a story under it or set to it. Maybe that's why when I don't get time to do it or do it on the level I want, I'm depressed. It's so damn hard and challenging, and to do it well is so subjective and illusive and shifting - it drives me mad.



Teaching is cool though. For my first year, I can tell it's something I will be good at. Will it make me happy? Sometimes it already does. But, sometimes it makes me so frustrated and resentful of what I perceive as wasted energy. For each student I inspire, I see nine who resent my efforts. Being face to face with the apathy that is eroding our culture is depressing. However, seeing the light turned on in that one, and being one of the people who helps throw the switch makes up for it. But, like I said, one in ten.



But, I've kept writing a bit. I'm on page 16 of a rewrite that I hope will only hit 20 pages. I've gone back to plot structure and motivation and making sure each character has opposing motives and goals. The first drafts of the short seemed gratuitous in certain ways, and I wanted more realism. So, I tried reimagining the story - reimagining it as a story with no bad guy - just somone who has a different goal than my protagonist - a worthy and understandable goal, but one that just doesn't jive with the main character's. Really need to have the draft done by New Years, so I can start picking it apart and planning to shoot it in the summer. We'll see.